Humor in the Form of the Marauders Redux
by Bushy Squirrel
Summary: A collection of 'documents', with commentary, created by the Marauders and Lily during their 7th year at Hogwarts. Rated M for Language.
1. Official Rules

Disclaimer: I do not own James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, or Albus Dumbledore. J.K. Rowling does. She is merely kind enough to allow lowly fanfiction authors like me to use them for purely entertainment purposes. Thank you for that, Ms. Rowling.

A/N: I have this 'document', and the others, typed out with different fonts to account for the different writing styles of each character. Unfortunately, this website does not support multiple fonts. If you would like to view this or any of the other 'documents' in their intended format, please don't hesitate to send me a message with your preferred email address. I'll happily send you the file(s).

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**The Official Rules of the Marauders**

1. Snape is to be called Snivellus.

Moony: Well, that goes without say.

Prongs: Of course! Who else would he be if we didn't call him Snivellus?

Padfoot: A slimy git, that's who. Wait! He's still a slimy git!

Wormtail: Ditto

2. Must do at least one prank per month.

Moony: Ok, that's not fair.

Padfoot: Why not?

Moony: I'm a prefect! I can't do that.

Prongs: Fine! Prefects are Null and Void from this rule.

Padfoot: What? If he's a member, he should have to follow this rule!

Prongs: Padfoot, we can't expect him to risk his badge. Why don't you just let one of us get away with one prank each month, Moony?

Moony: I can do that.

Prongs: Looks like we're doing double time, Padfoot.

Padfoot: -evilgrin-

3. Lily Evans is the hottest girl in Hogwarts!

Padfoot: Prongs!

Moony: Prongs!

Wormtail: Prongs!

Prongs: What? She is!

Padfoot: I admit, she's hot. But I'm not over-zealous about it like you are.

Moony: Wow. I can't believe that you actually have a vocabulary, Padfoot!

Padfoot: Oh, shut up...

4. Prongs is not allowed to be alone with the map.

Prongs: Now who's being unfair, Moony?

Wormtail: I agree with Moony, Prongs. You need supervision.

Padfoot: Don't worry. I'll come with if you need to use it.

Moony: Padfoot, I swear to God, if you help Prongs...

Padfoot: Relax! I was kidding!

5. Lily Evans is ALWAYS fair game.

Prongs: Damn it, Padfoot!

Wormtail: I suggest you run, Padfoot...

Miss Evans: Black! You better leave me alone!

Padfoot: What the hell?

Wormtail: How did you get this, Evans?

Miss Evans: Potter, or should I say Prongs, showed me this.

Moony: Prongs! You showed this to Lily?

Prongs: I needed to use it to get past Filch last night and she was the only one in the common room!

Padfoot: But EVANS? You traitor!

Wormtail: Seriously, Prongs. That's low.

6. Showing the map to non-members is forbidden.

Moony: No more of that crap, Prongs. We can't risk it. Someone might tell a teacher.

Prongs: Lily won't, Moony. She promised. Anyways, it's not my fault. You three just hadto say I can't use the map alone.

Moony: Yeah. We did. But just find one of us, then!

Wormtail: Prongs has a point. He did need to use it.

Prongs: See! Wormy agrees with me!

Moony: That's because he's scared of you and Padfoot, Prongs.

Miss Evans: Oh, just lay off him, will you? God, you four have stricter rules that the teachers do.

Moony: Prongs!

Prongs: I didn't show her! She has a copy of the rules, that's all. All four of us aren't even writing on the map, after all. We're writing on separate sheets of paper.

Moony: -sigh- Fine. Lily is the only non-member Null and Void from this rule since she already knows about the map. We need an extra person to help watch Prongs, anyways.

Prongs: Hey! Lily is not here to babysit me!

Padfoot: Sure about that, Prongs?

Miss Lily: Don't worry, Prongs. I'll let you do what you normally do.

Padfoot: You can't change your name, Evans.

Miss Lily: I really don't care, Black.

7. Homework before pranks.

Padfoot: What kind of rule is THAT, Moony?

Moony: I didn't write that...

Prongs: Padfoot, calm down. I wrote it. If we get homework done right away, then we won't have to worry about it and put all our power into planning said pranks.

Moony: I have to admit, that is a good idea. It'll also help when we need a teacher's help to do a prank.

Padfoot: And why would we need a teacher for help?

Prongs: Don't give him any ideas, Moony!

Wormtail: Yeah, shut up, Moony.

Moony: Fine! I was just agreeing with your rule, Prongs.

Padfoot: Any comment, Evans?

Prongs: She can't answer you, Padfoot. She's still in the hospital wing from that Potions accident yesterday.

Padfoot: And you know this how?

Prongs: I've been bringing her all her homework, ok? Just shut it.

8. DO NOT START FOOD FIGHTS!

Padfoot: It took me forever to get that honey out of my hair, Moony!

Prongs: Come on, Padfoot! It was fun!

Wormtail: It's not fun when you get syrup poured down your shirt.

Moony: Wormtail, Lily dumped a huge bowl of oatmeal on him. He doesn't care.

9. A prankster doesn't whine.

Prongs: Yeah!

Padfoot: Come on! Now you guys are REALLY being unfair!

Prongs: No breaking the rules, Padfoot!

Moony: Seriously, Padfoot. Stop breaking the rules.

Padfoot: That wasn't a whine. That was a complaint.

Moony: Same thing.

Miss Lily: Please, Remus. Let me hit him.

Moony: No, Lily. Let Prongs do that.

Prongs: -evil grin- I've been waiting to do that since he said Lily was always fair game.

10. Prongs may only ask Evans out ONCE a month!

Prongs: What? Which one of you idiots wrote this?

Moony: I don't know who wrote it, but it's a great idea.

Padfoot: It's not! Now he's gonna be moaning that he can't ask Evans out all month, every month!

Miss Lily: Potter. Am I an idiot?

Prongs: Of course not, Lily-flower! Why would you think this?

Miss Lily: Well, you just called me one.

Padfoot: Oh, burn!

Wormtail: Damn!

Moony: Now it looks like Padfoot isn't the only one in the dog house.

11. Prank teachers ONLY on special occasions.

Moony: I'm in detention for the next two weeks because of that prank, Padfoot.

Padfoot: Sorry, but I couldn't resist pranking Minnie!

Moony: Well, we're only pranking teachers on holidays, now.

Prongs: On the holidays? But I rather relax during Christmas!

Moony: Prongs... It's called Halloween, Easter, Valentine's Day, and April Fool's Day.

Prongs: Ohh! I forgot about those.

Wormtail: You are such a dork, Prongs.

Miss Lily: Don't forget the teachers' birthdays. It's really easy to find those out.

Moony: Oh, my god.

Wormtail: Everyone run!

Padfoot: Lily Evans has finally turned evil!

Miss Lily: Oh, relax you drama queens.

12. Snape is OFF LIMITS!

Prongs: What the hell?

Wormtail: Fuck that!

Moony: Over my dead body!

Padfoot: If he's off limits, then Prongs doesn't like Evans!

Miss Lily: Hey! What has he ever done to you four?

Padfoot: He hangs out with my brother and cousins.

Prongs: He calls muggleborns 'mudbloods'.

Moony: He tried to tell everyone my secret.

Wormtail: He's been nothing but a pompous ass!

Miss Lily:...point taken.

Moony: This rule is null and void.

13. The first years aren't midgets.

Padfoot: Come on, Moony! They're easy to train!

Moony: Look who's talking, you damn mutt!

Wormtail: Oh, burn!

Moony: Do you want a pink or purple collar for Christmas, Padfoot?

Padfoot: ...

Moony: God, you really are a drama queen.

Padfoot: Pink

Prongs: God, you're gay.

Moony: Pink?

Padfoot: REAL MEN ARE COMFORTABLE ENOUGH WITH THEIR SEXUALITY TO WEAR PINK!

Miss Lily:...no comment.

Wormtail: What?

Miss Lily: I mean it. No comment.

14. Dumbledore is off limits.

Moony: Yet again, a rule without say.

Prongs: Of course he's off limits! That has always been a rule.

Wormtail: Pranking Dumbledore would be illogical.

Padfoot: Why would we prank him? He'd enjoy it too much.

Miss Lily: At least you four are leaving him alone.

Prongs: We may be troublemakers and are always in detention, but we do have respect.

Padfoot: We're not completely immature, you know.

Dumbledore: It's great to see you five growing up and getting along.

Moony: Dumbledore!

Prongs: How did he get this?

Moony: How should I know?

Miss Lily: Did Dumbledore just reply to this rule?

Prongs: Yes!

Padfoot: Yes!

Miss Lily: Oh, my GOD!

Moony: I just checked the map. It says he isn't here.

Padfoot: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

Prongs: WHAT?

Wormtail: What?

Miss Lily: What?

15. We will never betray each other.

Wormtail: This has been the best seven years of my life.

Padfoot: Finally! One more test and I'm going to explode.

Moony: You guys are the best friends a guy can have.

Wormtail: Thanks.

Padfoot: Thank you, Moony. Speaking of friends, where's Prongs?

Moony: He and Lily are busy snogging.

Wormtail: What?

Padfoot: WHAT?


	2. How to Scare James Potter

A/N: This following 'document' is meant to be for Lily's eyes only. It's something she wrote out one day during a free period when James was being particularly annoying.

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**How to Annoy (or generally scare) James Potter**

By: Lily Evans

1. Send him love letters from Snape.

2. Every day.

3. Tell him you likes Bambi. He was nice and tender.

4. Say Sirius Black is hotter than he is.

5. When he asks you out, pretend you didn't hear him.

6. Say Peter Pettigrew is hotter than he is.

7. Actually say yes when he asks you out.

8. Send him love letters from Dumbledore.

9. Tell him McGonagall is his godmother.

10. Tell him Filch is his godfather.

11. Say you over-heard Bellatrix talk about how hot he is.

12. Say you'd rather date Snape over him.

13. Say quidditch is the gayest thing you've ever heard of.

14. Get one of his pranks to backfire.

15. Give him a deer head for Christmas. (Put 'Prongs' on the plaque)

16. Send him Valentines from Snape on Valentine's Day.

17. Send him Valentines from Snape in August.

18. Tell him you prefer blondes over guys with black hair.

19. Don't talk to him for a week.

20. Steal his invisibility cloak.

21. Steal the map.

22. Make it say your opinions, too.

23. Kidnap Sirius Black.

24. Get Snape to tell him he's his brother.

25. Say guys with glasses are ugly.

26. Tell him you're a figment of his imagination.

27. Tell him you're going to become a nun.

28. Say he's adopted.

29. Say you're betrothed to Lucius Malfoy.

30. Make him question his sexuality.

31. Convince him he's gay.

32. Tell him you've met his parents. They said he was a mistake.

33. Hide yourself and get someone to tell him you were killed by a werewolf.

34. Put him on Fear Factor. Pay them to get him to eat deer.

35. Act all 'lovey-dovey' around him.

36. Pay more attention to Remus and Peter.

37. Cheer the Slytherin team at Gryffindor/Slytherin games.

38. Keep kissing then slapping him.

39. Tell him Voldemort is his father.

40. Hex all his clothes bright pink.

41. Bleach his hair.

42. Steal his glasses.

43. Refuse to leave him alone for a month.

44. Silly string. (self-explanatory)

45. FOOD FIGHT! (grab the honey)

46. During lunch, talk to Remus, not him.

47. Wear hunting gear around him.

48. Send him hunting magazines.

49. Ask him about HIS furry, little problem.

50. Insist that is he won't shut up, you'll castrate him.


	3. How to Scare Sirius Black

A/N: Remus wrote this out because, like a true Marauder, he felt his friend shouldn't be exempt from being pranked. Passed back and forth between him, James, Peter, and Lily.

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**How to Annoy (or generally scare) Sirius Black**

By: Remus Lupin

1. Steal his hair-care products.

2. Send him love letters from Lucius Malfoy.

3. Repeat #2 every day.

4. Ask him what color collar he wants for Christmas.

5. Ignore his choice of black and get a bright pink one.

6. Give him flea medication for his birthday.

7. Threaten to send 'Padfoot' to the pound the next time he acts up.

8. Threaten to neuter him.

9. When he's being annoying, yell 'Down! Down, dumb dog!' so everyone can hear.

10. Hair-cutting scissors. (self-explanatory)

11. Bleach his hair.

12. Throw jelly beans at him. (for some reason, he's scared of them)

13. Put green hair dye in his shampoo.

14. Change his conditioner to slug slime.

15. Ask him who 'Snuffles' is.

16. Talk about HIS furry, little problem.

17. Ask if he knows about his name being synonymous with son-of-a-bitch.

18. Make 'Sirius/serious' jokes.

19. So #18 constantly.

20. Tell him how hot his cousin, Bellatrix, is.

21. Send him Valentine's from Snape.

22. Do #21 in July.

23. Turn his hair neon pink.

24. Do #23 during lunch.

25. Take pictures of him asleep and post them around the school.

26. Make sure his stuffed dog, Mr. Snuggles, is in the picture with him.

27. Call him a mutt.

28. Do #28 constantly.

29. Make constant remarks about his 'doggy' breath.

30. If he's being EXTRA annoying, say you'll put him outside if he doesn't shut up.

31. If he gets detention, hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

32. Doggy treats! (self-explanatory)

33. Also give him a big dog bone for Christmas.

34. Sign him up for obedience school.

35. If you get lice, blame him for giving you fleas.

36. Wen you ever want him to go away, throw a stick.

37. If he's stupid enough to bring the stick back, yell at him.

38. Sneak jelly beans into his food.

39. Wake him up before dawn.

40. Keep him up all night.

41. Make him study when it's nice outside.

42. Guilt trips work wonders.

43. So do cats.

44. If he won't shut up, use a muzzle.

45. Glue it on him if you have to.

46. Ask Hagrid if he has a cage you can use.

47. Put the cage around his bed. With him in it.

48. Set his alarm so he can't have breakfast, but isn't late for class.

49. Talk to him like he's a baby.

50. Doggie-bed! (self-explanatory)


	4. How to Scare Peter Pettigrew

A/N: James stole the idea from Remus. Passed between him, Remus, Sirius, and Lily.

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**How to Annoy (or generally scare) Peter Pettigrew**

By: James Potter

1. Plant rat traps around him bed.

2. Rat poison. (s-e)

3. Cats make great pets.

4. Convince him Remus doesn't exist.

5. "Hippogriff want a rat?" (s-e)

6. Threaten to feed him to the giant squid.

7. Threaten to lock him in the Slytherin common room.

8. Ignore him for a week, then ask him where he's been.

9. Steal his copy of Quidditch Through the Ages.

10. Convince him that there's going to be a pop quiz in DADA today.

11. Buy him a play wheel for Christmas.

12. Refer to him as a rodent.

13. Do it frequently. (#12)

14. Insist he confess his undying love to Narcissa Black.

15. If he gets annoying, threaten to feed him to Padfoot.

16. Tell him there is no Santa Clause.

17. Or Easter Bunny.

18. Say he's too Hufflepuff to be Gryffindor.

19. Use 'Levicorpus' on him.

20. Push him into the lake.

21. Threaten to feed him to Moony.

22. Insist that he's a descendent of Slytherin.

23. Send Snape love letters from him.

24. Send him reply letters.

25. Convince him he's gay.

26. Don't tell him the password when it's changed.

27. Don't give him the map when he wants to go to the kitchens.

28. Charm his clothes into spandex.

29. Make the spandex neon pink.

30. When he's hurt, take him to a vet.

31. Hide his homework for Potions.

32. Duct tape him to a wall.

33. Make sure the wall is in the dungeons.

34. Steal the marmalade at breakfast.

35. The ketchup at lunch.

36. And the salt at dinner.

37. Dye his hair black.

38. Shave his head in his sleep.

39. The day after full moon, tell him you know what he did last night.

40. Send him love letters from Bellatrix.

41. And Narcissa.

42. Throw Lucius Malfoy in there, too.

43. Super-glue. (s-e)

44. Steal Evan's silly string. (s-e)

45. Dress him up like Snape.

46. Refer to him as 'Wormy'.

47. Refuse to help him in CoMC.

48. Forbidden Forest. (s-e)

49. Leave him in the Shack alone.

50. Water balloons. (s-e)


	5. How to Scare Remus Lupin

A/N: -shakes head- Peter, Peter, Peter. He's just gotta jump on the bandwagon. And, if you notice, the little rat managed to get a hold of Lily's list and copy a couple. Passed between him, James, Sirius, and Lily.

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**How to Annoy (or generally scare) Remus Lupin**

By: Peter Pettigrew

1. Steal his homework.

2. Steal his notes.

3. Bother him while he's studying.

4. Steal his book bag.

5. Get him banned from the library.

6. Steal his breakfast.

7. Steal his chocolate.

8. Refer to Full Moon as 'his time of the month'.

9. Call it PMS.

10. Insist his nickname be 'Fluffy'.

11. Talk about his 'Furry-little-problem'.

12. Say it should be his 'Fluffy-little-problem'.

13. Shut off his alarm clock.

14. Hide Lily and insist she was killed by a werewolf.

15. Underestimate his pranking ability to his face.

16. Say he wouldn't know a prank, even if it bit him in the ass.

17. Call him a freak. (Snivellus learned the hard way that you, actually, maybe shouldn't do this.)

18. Insist his class ring be pure silver.

19. Give him a picture of the full moon for Christmas.

20. Ask him how well he know Greyback.

21. Insist he play quidditch.

22. Ask him why he and Snape are so pale.

23. Send him love letters from Narcissa.

24. Send him love letters from Bellatrix.

25. Send him love letters from Sirius.

26. Talk Dumbledore into telling him he's Remus' godfather.

27. Ask him why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

28. Act like James.

29. Act like Sirius.

30. Act like his mother.

31. Get Lily to tell him she loves him. (still trying to figure out how)

32. Steal his fries at lunch.

33. Steal his mashed potatoes at dinner.

34. Spike his pumpkin juice.

35. Tell him he should sign up for therapy.

36. Mess up his class work in Potions.

37. Get a plant to attack him in Herbology.

38. Paint-gun. (self-explanatory)

39. Put pink hair dye in his shampoo.

40. Switch the contents of the sugar and salt shakers.

41. Sneak a Cockroach into his dessert.

42. Drizzle polyjuice potions with Slughorn's hair in his oatmeal.

43. Steal his sugar quill.

44. Get Lily to drag him into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

45. Get a girl to drag him to Madam Puddifoot's.

46. Steal Lily's silly string from James. (self-explanatory)

47. Push him into the lake, too.

48. Slander studying.

49. Insist Filch is his brother.

50. Creme pie. (self-explanatory)


	6. How to Scare Lily Evans

A/N: Sirius is a bad, bad boy. As you read this, you can tell from all the side notes that he doesn't intended to share this with anyone.

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**How to Annoy (or generally scare) Lily Evans**

By: Sirius Black

1. Get Prongs to ask her out multiple times each day.

2. Make sure they're ALL in public.

3. Steal her homework.

4. Steal her notes.

5. Steal her school supplies.

6. Get her into detention.

7. Send her love letters from Snape.

8. ...from Malfoy.

9. ...from Wormtail.

10. ...from Prongs.

11. ...from Voldemort.

12. Convince her Professor Slughorn is her godfather.

13. Get Minnie to confirm it. (note to self: prank Minnie)

14. Let her overhear your plans to prank Snape.

15. Actually set her up a date with the Giant Squid.

16. Use 'Levicorpus' on her. (note to self: don't let Prongs see)

17. Yell she's a eunuch over the Great Hall. (make sure Prongs is in the hospital at this time)

18. Get her a pet deer. (name it Prongs)

19. Give her a leash and collar. (raise eyebrows suggestively)

20. Get her a rat trap for Christmas. (say it's for Wormtail)

21. Buy her a silver pendant. (**DON'T** tell her why)

22. 'Accidentally' spill dragon dung on her in Care of Magical Creatures.

23. Turn her hair purple in Charms. (say it was an accident)

24. 'Accidentally' ruin her Potions classwork.

25. Steal food from her plate during breakfast.

26. ...during lunch.

27. ...during dinner.

28. Give her 'extra' attention on April Fool's Day.

29. Purposely start snowball fights with her.

30. 'Ask' her about Prongs' 'furry-little-problem'.

31. Steal her silly string! (where the hell is she getting it all?)

32. Start a food fight in the Great Hall. (target her first)

33. Snivellus. (explains itself)

34. Call her 'love'. (gets all riled up. really hot)

35. Call it spew. Not S.P.E.W. (hope to god no one else makes anything like this)

36. Steal her muggle candy. (make sure to give it to Moony)

37. Be VERY annoying during her time of the month.

38. CONFETTI! (yet again, explains itself)

39. Talk about how cute Petunia it. (smack self afterward, if done)

40. Water balloons. (explains itself again)

41. Fill balloons with slime. (again)

42. Fill balloons with paint. (yet again)

43. Water gun. Use it.

44. Talk her friends into ganging up on her. (with balloons and guns)

45. Spray 'Coppertone: Instant-tan' on her face. (prepare to run)

46. Scissors. (-evil grin- explains itself)

47. Tell Prongs to ignore her for a week. (watch her beg)

48. Crash their dates. (beg for mercy from Prongs later)

49. Talk to Dumbledore about sending her fake N.E.W.T.s results.

50. Call her Evans. (-evil grin-)


	7. Personal Thoughts on James Potter

A/N: You know how people sometimes write comments about others next to the pictures in their yearbooks? This would be the Hogwarts equivalent.

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**Personal Thoughts on...**

James Potter

Miss Lily: James is...well...James. He can be a complete gentleman, but be a jerk a minute later. I swear, the guy is bi-polar. Maybe if he didn't hang out with Black so much, he'd be much more tolerant.

Wormtail: James is just my friend. How can you describe a friend?

Padfoot: He's the brother I never had! (Well, the one I wanted but didn't get) If anything happened to him, I'd kill the bastard who did the hurting.

Moony: James was very understanding when he found out about my problem. I am very grateful for that. Also, he made these last 7 years worth while. I don't know what I would have done without him.


	8. Personal Thoughts on Sirius Black

A/N: You'll notice that I've done some foreshadowing in these next few chapters.

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**Personal Thoughts on...**

Sirius Black

Miss Lily: I don't want the guy dead, but I could honestly do without him. He's worse than James, which is saying something big.

Wormtail: He's a friend. Big troublemaker. Not much else.

Prongs: Friend? He's my bloody twin! There isn't much we don't do together (other than the obvious)! I would die for him.

Moony: Like James, I am very grateful to have him. My years at Hogwarts have been very amusing because of him. He has helped me deal with my problem as if her was breathing. It just came naturally. I would do almost anything for a friend like him.


	9. Personal Thoughts on Peter Pettigrew

A/N: To tell you the truth, I hated doing this chapter because of the foreshadowing. But Peter is still a Marauder, no matter how much we all hate him. The chapter must be done.

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**Personal Thoughts on...**

Peter Pettigrew

Miss Lily: Not much to say. We never actually spoke much.

Padfoot: Wormy? Eh. The little rodent is a bit too scared to do things, but what he does is hilarious.

Prongs: Peter. When ever we got caught, it was his fault. Be we had fun, so we didn't blame him. I swear, the guy's going to be the death of me, he's so clumsy.

Moony: Peter was one of the only people I could study with. And other than helping me plan pranks for James and Sirius to do, we just hung out at Hogsmeade like 'normal, rule following' students.


	10. Personal Thoughts on Remus Lupin

A/N: This was a good chapter. If you combined Lily and James' comments, I think you would get Harry's thoughts on Hermione.

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**Personal Thoughts on...**

Remus Lupin

Miss Lily: Remus was awesome! Honestly, he was the only Marauder I liked to talk to. Of course, when you plan the pranks instead of executing them, I bet it's easy to live life.

Wormtail: Great study-buddy. Would have failed without him.

Padfoot: Moony! Man, the pranks he planned were awesome! Who knew such a goody-two-shoes know-it-all was so evil?

Prongs: I've been mad at him for making me study, but other than that he was great. Awesome at planning pranks. We never got caught when he did the planning.


	11. Personal Thoughts on Lily Evans

A/N: This is the last chapter in the redux! I've had a fun time with this. 'Humor in the Form of the Marauders' was the first story I posted on FF, so editing and reformatting all these chapters has been really nostalgic.

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**Personal Thoughts on...**

Lily Evans

Wormtail: No comment. We don't talk.

Padfoot: She's gotta temper and Prongsie is head-over-heels for her.

Prongs: Lily-flower is an angel...

Moony: Poor Lily. Had to put up with James' idiotic side. But she is a nice girl. Very understanding. I can tell she's gonna end up marrying James.


End file.
